im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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