Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it's great music for shaving your balls
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
