ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
