He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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