You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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