I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
