she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
