Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
