Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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