I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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