margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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