If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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