I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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