Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
