did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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