There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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