remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
