i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
