i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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