whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
