with your own penis?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
one might say we're banned from that church
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
