WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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