Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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