I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
