Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
