She's JV to your varsity
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
