I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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