my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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