Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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