masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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