Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
