forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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