i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
