Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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