she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
