Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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