Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
