Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
