Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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