K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
