I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
