Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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