dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
babies were throwing up all over the place
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
