I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
