Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
