don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
