i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
