That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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