I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
