At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
