if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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